WWE RAW Report 10/7/02 ~ Optimus Schwab

The show starts with Bischoff SCARING THE LIVING PISS OUT OF ME as his disturbing face is exposed from behind an army of showgirl's fans while giving the sleaziest "I have naked pictures of your girlfriend" smile in HISTORY. And here's the wheel. For those unfamaliar with this concept, WCW did it back at Halloween Havoc in the early 90's, where it failed miserably. See the WWE is far beyond trying old successful angles. They've moved on to reproducing FAILED angles. Looks like Russo picked the gimmicks here with a quick look at the wheel. VIAGRA ON A POLE~! Some sort of midget match too, which I pray happens. BLINDFOLD MATCH?!?! Oh, and nice touch by using the handicap symbol as icon for handicap match. Where do they come up with this stuff? We're five minutes in and I already want this show to end. Bischoff spins the wheel and lands on cage match, but will announce the wrestlers before the match. $20 says it's Booker, because he's over and by that logic should be in the opening match, most likely jobbing. 

Note, I'm not actually gonna rate anything here tonight because I'm expecting the absolute worst in nightmare gimmick booking, plus negative stars are so depressing. Plus I'm hoping this show reaches "so horrible it's laughable".

Cage Match: Booker T v. Big Show
Anyone who took that bet, hand over the $20. Match...goes...really...slow. Everytime Booker tries to make a comeback to actually *gasp* build crowd heat, Show slaps him and tosses him around a bit. Booker sells for himself and Show, but it's really just a repeated beating that is boring me out of my F*CKING MIND. Finally Show walks to the door slower than a snail where Booker hits a cut off so obvious that no one pops. Axe kick to Show over the top rope. Hey, he almost bumped there. Booker goes to escape and instead of jumping for it he just flies off with an axe kick, which Show is magically in perfect set up for. Chokeslam from the top is teased as Booker sold his move more than Show did, but the old kick to the balls ends it and Show falls like a sandbag. No blood, no bumps, no heat, no moves. Just the way I hate my cage matches. Just horrible.

Booker gets jumped by Jericho, who keeps screaming "I'M NOT A SUCKA!" which is automatically the best thing to happen all night. 

Kane and Hurricane will defend their titles TONIGHT says Bischoff. SPIN THE WHEEL~! MAKE A DEAL~! TLC match?!? Great, so we have a guy who bumps too much and one who doesn't bump at all. Should be absolutely THRILLING. Another $20 says that Jeff Hardy is involved in this, because a crappy ladder match every 3 monthes is the only way he manages to keep his heat.

BACK TO THE WHEEL~! God, this wheel spinning madness is the most entertaining wrestling show I've EVER SEEN. Maybe we can get Bischoff to spin a wheel for 5 hours on a PPV. IMAGINE THE BUYRATES~! Through the roof. HHH gets a blindfold match, giving me horrible nightmares about the last time one of those took place in the 80's, or even Jake/Martel, which I completely blanked out of my brain. END THIS SHOW EARLY. Flair brings out lesbians. 

Regal doesn't want a gimmick. Good old fashioned wrestling match for him. Amen. Jump to Smackdown William. Funaki will open the door for you. He gets the ever clever Vegas Showgirl match against Goldust. END THIS SHOW. END THIS SHOW. END THIS SHOW.

HHH v. D'Lo
Gee, I wonder who'll win. Blindfolds go on and suddenly I remember why these matches suck. NOTHING HAPPENS. Flair distracts the ref long enough for HHH to pull up the hood, pedigree, goodnight. See, nobody is good enough for two moves from HHH, not even in a blindfold match. I'm surprised D'Lo was even good enough to take a pedigree. I mean, he doesn't EAT THIS BUSINESS FOR LUNCH like HHH so he should have went down to the sleeper in 10 seconds. For a good laugh head over to Amazon.com and read the people think about HHH in the "Recommended items with this selection" section under the HHH DVD. "The Steriod Bible" and "the Bosses Daughter" are my personal favorites. People these days.

Bischoff tells Jeff, Christian, and Bubba that they need to find partners and shave another 3 years off their careers by wrestling in another TLC match to put over Kane. Not in those exact words though.

Goldust v. William Regal
It takes Regal what seems like 27 years to walk to the ring. JR is the only one laughing at Regal in a showgirl costume. I'm speechless. Lance Storm runs in making me wonder what the f*ck the point of the UnAmericans brawl was last week and the brass knucks finish in 50 seconds. Moving right along.

END THIS F*CKING SHOW.

Jericho is Christian's partner, to help put over that young and fresh talent Kane.

SPIN THE WHEEL~! MAKE A DEAL~! A paddle on a pole match is set for Trish and Stacy, thus confirming my thoughts that VINCE RUSSO IS BEHIND THE WHEEL FIXING IT TO LAND ON THE MATCH TYPES! Oh, but TWO gimmicks are given to this match as it's also Bra and Panties. We are not worthy of this. 

Trish v. Stacy
They go toe for toe with the shirt ripping until they get into an actual mat roll up sequence where Stacy loses here pants. Blue Panther? Volk Han? They have nothing on the true master of mat work, Trish Stratus. Some more sh*t goes on, nothing I care to elaborate on until Victoria comes out and I begin to pray this is awesome like last week. Stare down and they're like "COME ON MOTHERF*CKER" and it's ON~! Massive beatdown results. Segment of the show. Drags on for a bit at the end though and it's got nothing on Brock slaughtering Funaki a few weeks back. See, they should just show that Lesnar/Funaki segment for the rest of this show. It's much better than what they have planned.

Jeff Hardy and RVD are a team. Rubes around the world rejoice. 

Victoria says that Trish did something to her in the past. I'd bring up the obvious facts here of where they actually were in the past but I'm not one to shoot down WWE booking ideas. I bet Trish slept with her boyfriend, who turns out to be VINCE RUSSO. 

Bischoff spins the wheel for a Vegas street fight between Test and...AL SNOW~! This show is automatically watchable once again. Al bumps like a pinball for Test until the BOWLING BALL COMES OUT! Strike to the nuts is teased, but Test takes a shot to the gut (which he actually sells) and a big fat BALL TO THE HEAD~! ends it. Hey, that was almost watchable. Ok, so far we need to steal Jericho, Regal, and Al for Smackdown so I'll never have to watch this show again.

Lawler gets his match next and Bischoff spins. I pray for a handicap match where the Island Boys will finally SHUT HIM THE F*CK UP, but sadly it's the old "It's legal in Vegas" match. WINNER GETS THE WHORES~! Lawler must be in heaven. And I thought the Godfather was on Smackdown? Who gives a sh*t, we should get Regal in return.

Jerry Lawler v. Steven Richards
A billion points to JR as he actually mentions Lawler's '88 AWA title reign, the first actual commentary he's done in the past 4 months. Lawler hits a dropkick and they tease a piledriver spot. Perfectly ok 2 minutes of nothing. Jerry wins, whores hit, one loses a boob right next to Jerry's face. Clean up crew needed in the ring.

Time to once again ask them to END THIS HORRIBLE SHOW.

Randy Orton video is shown and the words "Blue Chipper" are uttered, giving me horrible flashbacks to Wrestlemania 13 and certain IYH shows.

Kane is being interviewed until HHH MESSES WITH MY HEAD AGAIN as he takes out the only guy I was looking forward to see work a TLC match in Helms. HOW MUCH HHH DO WE NEED TONIGHT.

Kane v. Jericho/Christian v. Jeff/RVD v. Bubba/Spike
Match starts really slow as Kane beats on everyone. No sells everything. In come more jobbers....I mean Jeff and Spike and Kane *gasp* pounds on them too. RVD sets up some kicks to the leg, which are no sold and he's pounded. POUNDING EVERYWHERE as 6 guys bump like freaks for one guy who hasn't even fallen or sold a move yet. Finally Jeff hits the leapfrog bump on Kane, of course getting the worst of it. More sh*t goes on. Everyone lays around after getting obliterated a few times while Kane lays out, "selling" his injuries. Jericho friggin bulldogs Bubba off the ladder in a SCARY bump that makes Bubba look like a comet. Jericho takes the forward ladder fall to the floor from RR last year. Hebner makes the X over his head, which means he needs a stretcher and Jericho is actually hurt. But he doesn't draw. This is of course after Jericho took a full force dead weight back bump on the ladder. Christian gets thrown on the ladder at a frightening speed, thus probably injuring him too. Jeff gets tossed like a sack of purple potatos to the floor and he's probably injured. Van Terminator is actually taken by Kane but you can't really get hurt from that. Frightening back bump by RVD. Christian nearly kills Spike with the Acid Drop reversal. Bubba, the only one who takes a Van Daminator right, takes one, LEANING into it, probably breaking his nose or something. And here comes Kane to pick up the pieces. See, I love how Kane gets the rub from 6 guys nearly crippling themselves while only taking one REAL bump and he doesn't even share the rub with his partner. Aside from the near death bumps of Jericho and Jeff, this match really sucked the beefdart and from more than one perspective. 

I've never seen 6 guys all get their legs cut out from underneath them at the same time, just to once again try and push the Glass Ceiling (Kane) into something he'll never be accepted as. And when the fans don't accept him because HHH cuts his legs out, you got 6 injured guys who can't even make a go for it. BOOKING THESE MATCHES IS RETARDED. This was a bad match, bad booking, bad for bruising 6 guys who really shouldn't be bruised up because they don't work for an indy once every month, and on top of that, HHH comes out and reveals the most RETARDED ANGLE OF THE PAST 2 YEARS.

But he'll probably blame Kane when it fails, just like he did with the other half a dozen angles he's tanked in the past 2 years, and it's all because Kane dropped the ball when it was given to him. HHH is the champ. He can't possibly ruin angles. $20 says this show gets booked in the middle of No Mercy, so when the show tanks on buyrates and attendance HHH can say it was because he was booked in a bad spot.

AND THIS SHOW IS FINALLY OVER. Easily two of the worst hours I've ever had to sit through, plagued with sloppy to dangerous to horrible to just plain boring wrestling, horrible booking, politics that shine brighter than the sun, and THE F*CKING WHEEL.

That's it. Seriously, I'm never watching this sh*t again. Watch Smackdown and than RAW and tell me this is the same company.